hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think my vagina is haunted
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
