I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
