I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
