its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
