The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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