mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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