apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
