she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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