One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
