Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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