I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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