I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
