I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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