She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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