Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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