My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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