Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
