strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
