It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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