He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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