She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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