I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
