nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
