my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
