WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
