I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
