winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
