Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
it's great music for shaving your balls
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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