I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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