I must be too annoying 4 u.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
