i'm signing you up for texting rehab
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
