I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
