Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
