i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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