This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
