i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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