How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
not ubering you a puppy
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
