Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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