did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
