I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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