Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
