You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
