so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
