I wish my penis had an off switch
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
