i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
