mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
