Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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