My friends, they love my intelligence
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
