Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
