beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
