I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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