you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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