I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
