so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
