She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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