I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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