like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
